Must-Haves for the Writer:
By Zara D. Garcia-Alvarez /@ZaraAlexis
A FICTIONAL CRUSH
When your real partner gets frustrated with the incessant sound of your keyboard typing during his or her 3:00 a.m. snooze along with your passionate curses against the laziness of your current muse, fall back to your fictional crush. He or she will woo you back with fictional flowers, eloquence, poetry, or even perhaps a much-needed fictional massage. Use your imagination! The original author of your fictional crush certainly did.
A PREPARATORY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Should you ever become as renowned as Michael Ondaatje, Margaret Atwood, or Mavis Gallant, it’s important for you to be prepared with an acceptance speech that has the right amount of humour, class, and gratefulness required for the literary community in receiving your prestigious literary award(s). You’re a writer. You and I both know there are more ways than one to say “thank you.” Be prepared with a speech that will convey it well.
A PREPARATORY BEGGING SPEECH (FOR A Writing GRANT)
Now, that you have an acceptance speech in your pocket, you should also have a speech ready to kindly ask—yes, beg-–for a writing grant to help you finish up that book of yours. You, know…since you can’t be expected to write a book full-time if you’re also working at your “day” or “night” job! If so, might as well expected publication in a good 10 years or so.
A DARTBOARD WITH THE FACE OF YOUR NEMESIS
I don’t promote violence. But, in the absolute need to vent your jealous frustration against a successful writing peer due to your own personal form of procrastination and/or poor writing, the safest way to purge yourself of deep-rooted anger issues and loathing is to play darts—with a special kind of dartboard, of course.
THE CONTACT INFORMATION OF EDITORS AND/OR PUBLISHERS WHO HAVE REJECTED YOUR WORK
I’m not a vengeful person. Nor do I believe in vengeance. But, should you publish with a wonderful house who has realized the worth of your work where other have not—where others have actually sent you numerous rejection letters—might I suggest sending them an early Christmas present? Mmm…your bestselling book perhaps?
THE SERIOUS BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPH
Every writer has a serious black and white photograph for the jacket of their books. You know the one. The one above the short, but brilliant bio. The one that denotes intelligence, sensitivity, and depth. Because as writers, we don’t want the world to know what we really wear and look like when we write: pyjamas, dog fuzzy slippers, hair curlers, and an old terry cloth robe…right?
Hope you’ll join me at The Bibliotaphe’s Closet for Part Five soon!
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